On Family vs. Friends

As I toss and turn on the eve of leaving my familial duties in Md, to enjoy the familial joys of visiting my grandbabies, I wonder about the connections of families vs. friends.

It seems that at this moment our lives are in two totally different directions, ‘cause while the two of you are playing “keep away” from family, I seem to be entrenched in mine. I get to be the sibling trying to coerce other siblings, just like you two, to do their familial duty. Do I want to be the one here caring for my aging parent? No… do I want to be the one doing the coercing? No. Do I want to be 3 months away from my spouse? No…. then why am I here? Do I have an overdeveloped sense of loyalty to a parent? I don’t think so…. I have just as many issues with that parent as my siblings do. Is it because I’m the oldest, and thus have received more brainwashing about the fact that family is everything, and that they’re what you can count on, and that you should be doing your part? Possibly….

Is it because I think of my husband, sitting in Denver, with NO family connections at all any more? When I think of the family gatherings I’ve been to here (and I’m the only sibling that seems to take mom to those gatherings), and then I think of him all alone there, I wonder which one really counts more in the long run… family (whom I’ve known all my life – even though I may not be close to them - the cousins who have the same colored eyes, and stubborn Pollock attitude, the siblings who first run the other way, then try to take over everything,)… or do friends count more in the long run. Ken can’t take his support group with him to Denver, but he’s quickly creating another one of his own. But would that new support group know how to notify me if something happened to him while I’m back east? On the other hand, would the family here know how to notify him if something happened to me here?

For me right now, the question comes down to… who will I be able to go to when I’m homeless after December, and the unemployment checks run out? Will I be able to count on friends? Would family put me up? For how long?

Yeah, JR… I’m sure future employers smell family entanglements on me in my interviews, thus decreasing my chances of success in obtaining that elusive employment. Although I’ve managed to continue the job search while entangled (I truly don’t know how, and I’m not sure of the quality of resumes/letters I’ve sent out), I know that I lost out on at least one or two interviews due to being “in transition”. And the couple I have received phone interviews for, haven’t gone any further… I’m not sure if there’s something in my voice giving away the fact that I wouldn’t be truly able to put my heart and soul into a job at this moment, …

So should the answer be to run away from family commitments, and let my mother stew in her own inadequacies? Will I be happy if my kids do that to me in my old age? If they are too busy with their lives to make sure that I am not overdosing my self with the wrong medicines due to dementia? Have I raised my kids to have compassion for the elderly? Time will tell… (too soon)..

But then… should my whole life be on hold while I tend to my aging parent?

Wherein lies the right answer? It just makes me appreciate the fact that we were able to have my in-laws next door to us, and able to pay a caretaker for them, AND I had a job that I was familiar at, and able to do in my sleep… but how I’ll survive this year…. I truly wonder….

On Family vs. Career.....

Hi Pueblo Hood (what do we call it now that it's not just a Sisterhood?),

Since Jenny is ready to share some new things, thought I'd start this one as it's what I'm dealing with on a daily basis at this point in my life. I know at least one other member of our group is dealing with similar issues but from afar.

I'm in Maryland right now taking care of my mother and deciding what the next step for her is. At this current point, she is still competent of making her own decisions, but very needy about the help she needs. She needs someone to check on her on a daily basis, doing things like putting on special stockings, making sure she's taking the right meds, taking her dog outside, taking her to numerous doctor appointments. Nothing earth shattering, but necessary little things. When my in-laws got to this stage, we moved them into a mobile home next to us, and while that time was very trying, it was much easier having them next door to be able to do the little things for them. Haven't been able to get Mom to agree to that arrangement, and while I'm currently staying in my sister's trailer, which is only 7 minutes away from Mom, it's what she needs. However, I can't stay here forever, and with my brother as sick as my mom, and my sister burned out from dealing (poorly) with this for the last two years, and another brother in Indiana who is indifferent to the situation, it seems to be falling on my shoulders to make a decision.

To add to the situation, I could be called anywhere in the US for a job interview, and hopefully subsequent job offer. Mom and all her friends, and probably my sister and brother as well, have their prayers going that I get a job in the MD area, while my husband sits in CR praying that I get one there.

So the dilemma becomes.... do I move mom with me whereever I go, tearing her from her family and friends here (we just lost one of her siblings this week, and 3 others are up there in age and frail in health) just to be sure she's safe and comfortable? Or do I move here temporarily to make life easier for her? It's one of those life altering decisions, but what should come first, family or career? Should my life be put on hold until she passes away?

The job situation isn't helping, as I had a 5th interview for a position I really wanted here in Md (I liked the company, and it would be a natural step for me career wise), and had phone interviews in NC, UNC Greely, and one this week in AZ. The position here in MD eventually went to someone else because they needed someone to start right away. But they liked my website and skills so well that they talked about creating a position for me with the company, but said since they've never done something like this before, it would take time for them to write a job description, and find the salary for me. So I sit in limbo with them (or is it their polite way of saying sorry - no deal?). I also lost the one in Greely because they needed someone to be able to start by 9/15 and they needed a face to face interview before that, and I'm here and it would take me 3 days to get there (I drove out here this time). So I need some good answers to tell the folks in AZ, so that I can get there in time for interviews, and to start work. (Mom seems more willing to go to AZ with me because she and my father dreamed of retiring there before he passed away 30 years ago - it will still be hard for her to leave my siblings as well as hers). But at least then I'd still be able to stay in the west where I feel healthier ( I've had a hard time with the humidity here in Md).

So weigh in friends.... what should come first... family or career?